the end of the affair

I loved you, and you liked that,
but the gap between like and love
is a river without a bridge:
nothing, nothing, nothing
can get you across.

You knew, yet now
this blank silence, consciously intended,
is killing me.

Well, it's a hard and cruel way
to reject a lover, it's such a passive
and easy way out -- so very cold.
Women have hurt and bruised me
so many times: well, never mind,
I have done the same, I expect,
to them: I am sorry.

It is only now I understand.

You used to be looking at me
and I used to be looking at you
and the electricity was crack-crack-crack.
But that's all gone.
Women's eyes pass over me now.
They couldn't be bothered.
But here is me
still looking
and you will no longer answer the phone.
So I just leave a message and live in Limbo.
Yo, yo, Mister Dimbo!!
I've been dumped.
Got used to being alone.

But how can I

after all those snapshot memories
that flash, unbidden, before my eyes?

All the long talks, the holding of hands,
(you had stubby little nails, my dear, slightly bitten)
and all the exchange of childhood hopes,
the exchange of future dreams ??
And there on the beach or in midnight bars,
our sweaty sweet love under cold burning stars?

The thing I will remember ever after
is the inbreath of your gentle laughter
when I'd tell you all my time-worn stories
of success and failure and ancient glories.
O Jesus God it was grand
when you'd smile and suddenly squeeze my hand.
I must have been ….
The loss of intimacy is a loss of trust:
and I'll take the blame, I know I must.
I could have carried this thing,
I could have carried this thing
But I loved you too much.

And now, as a fool, I say ….

When things start to go wrong
panic rises, with a tightness
in the chest,
I am not entirely a fool, my Lord,
I know that glances, smiles, and a dance,
can be the beginnings of a new romance
and can be infinitely more important
than Wars and Presidents and Kings.
Life consists of other things.

Breathe deep, you have been here before:
idiot, fool, risk-taker, chancer,
laughing leaping moonlight dancer.
I don't ...
I don't believe I can take any more.
I can't go on. I must go on.
This is the end. This is the
fuckin end: No, this is
the last beginning.

Last night I saw you
clearly, for the first time,
with all your untruths exposed,
with all the explanations
swept away, with all the lies
stripped down. For a year
you have been using me,


And I think
that my equivocal heart
collapses, dear, and closes down
You can lie.
You can lie.
But how could you lie about that?
So easily.
So easily.

Women do this all the time,
you say. Maybe so.
Maybe so.
Ich weiss nicht was
Ich werden will ....
People want love
Instead they kill.