Jane Austen (a sequel)

After the wedding,
great joy: Elizabeth Bennett
is now Lady Darcy.
Her mother can die of happiness.

Darcy is gentle in the bed
on the first night; in fact,
nothing happens, no stained sheets
to delight leering servants.

Slowly, gradually, the lovers
discover love, such a fine
unexpected revelation:
the wonders of physical difference.

Mr. Collins would be scandalized.
Pornography is grist to the mill
for the uncertain clergy:
but marriage is blessed by God.

A jolly good f---
is an act of worship.

Elizabeth meets the servants
and the cook, in particular, thinks
who is this jumped-up little snip?
but the ancient, hooded-eyed butler
with his tip of five guineas in gold
safely stored in his mattress
teaches them all to behave.

Mr Darcy goes away,
Elizabeth remains behind.
The servants seek their chance.
There is no chance.
Elizabeth is sweet but tough as nails.

Mister Bingley and Jane have a girl
and the village rejoices.
Mister Darcy and Elizabeth
have nothing to show
for all their passion: oh, dear.

Years proceed.

Bingley and Jane have another five
but Darcy and Lizzie have none.
They try (energetically) but bye-and-bye
Stop. The servants murmur
and years proceed.

Darcy spends more time in London.
On business, he says. There he meets
a beguiling lady. Matters entangle
and soon a b------ son is born.
Darcy sees his only child and loves him.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Elizabeth resides at home,
sole mistress of a Palladian mansion.
She is barren, lonely and suspicious.
When mud-stained Darcy
on his exhausted horse returns
she makes the natural mistake
of accusing him.

Darcy dismisses the servants,
sits in a room with candles,
gazes, compassionately,
on his 25-year-old wife
now haggard and gaunt,
and says
This didn't ought never to happen.